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Location: Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania, United States

"It little profits that an idle king, By this still hearth, among these barren crags, Match'd with an ag├Ęd wife, I mete and dole Unequal laws unto a savage race, That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Help and grow rich

"Some are born wealthy.
Some achieve wealth.
And some have wealth thrust upon them."

I should consider myself to belong to the third variety. But this thrust-upon-me wealth might as well lead me into bigtime trouble, because I now find myself in the midst of an international conspiracy, one so big, that Robert Ludlum, if he were alive, would write a novel with Vijay Krishna as the central character.

It all started two weeks ago. Sergeant Irwin Shawn of the US Army contacted me. It seems he belonged to the First Armored Division that entered Baghdad during the Iraq War a couple of years ago. As luck would have it, Sgt. Shawn stumbled upon a mountain of cash, which was so much it took him a good 2 years just to count it. The Sergeant estimates the amount to be 250 million US dollars. It seems Sgt. Shawn has inquired far and wide for a man with good investment skills. And (as I hold a triple major - summa cum laude - in Finance, Banking and Capital Markets from the Wharton School) he wants me to invest the sum. For this help, I get to keep 40% of the sum - 100 million dollars, all in 100-dollar notes.

I was at first skeptical about this. My south Indian brain, with all its in-built conservatism and sense of security, urged me not to trust a renegade sergeant. However, yesterday, Major Richard Atwater of the same division sent me a mail. Major Atwater (who attended graduate school with me) urged me sincerely that even he was taking only 30%, but was offering me the lion's share. I missed sleep last night thinking about the things I could do with a hundred million. That's a cool 440 crores in Indian money. I could have breakfast with Aishwarya Rai, lunch with Mallika Sherawat and dine with Katrina Kaif. I am prepared to ignore the fact that they are not good at cooking. Even better, I could holiday in Provence forever.

I had almost finished composing a reply to Major Atwater, when in came a pleasant surprise. Princess Stella Ajana of Nigeria needs my help. And she wishes to transform me instantly into her Knight in Shining Armour. This damsel in distress wants to commence a long-term relationship with me, if I help her family out in investing a sum of 7.35 million USD. On the one hand, there is Major Atwater's 100 million, endless holidays in Provence, Ash, Katrina and others. On the other hand, there is this seemingly paltry sum of 7 million, but it comes with a Nigerian princess as an added attraction. What do I do?

I think I have decided. Of what use is so much money to me? If I don't have someone else to enjoy it with? And that someone is a princess? Dilemma? No dilemma! After all, what's life without a royal challenge! I'm going to mail Princess Ajana -- no, my wonderful Stella. I'll give her a helping hand, and win hers in love. Rest assured, dear reader, you might have heard of platonic love. This is one, and I'm the ONE!

See ya in Nigeria!

Raaja... raajaadhi raajan indha raaja!

11 Comments:

Blogger Vinayak said...

Howlarious :))

I have mails from Charles Ikeji, Issiaka Yousof, Samuel Mpoyo and the beautiully maternal Mrs.Theresa Wanta, widow of the General Overseer of the diamond mine somewhere in Sierra Leone. I stand to earn close to 40 million dollars :)

Make way...comin through

2/06/2006 04:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Vijay Krishna said...

Kini, I have some more mails too, most notably from the widow of the former African dictator Laurent Kabila. In theory, I'm worth about 389 million.

With all this wealth, I'm considering buying out Africa... so that I can offer my wonderful Stella an entire continent as wedding present!

2/06/2006 04:14:00 AM  
Anonymous KG said...

Google's just hired me as Chief Internet Evangelist. Chk out link above.

2/06/2006 05:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Hi said...

Have you forgotten so soon Kanchi Krishnan, BURKINO BASO, IDRIS MAMBO et al. Stay away from all this nonsense. Never ever reply them nor give any personal details. Be sure your done in thereafter if you do.

Incidentally, it looks comical to waste time with Aiyshwarya & Mallika n have only B/fast & luuch. I thought you should have them at a much later time zone.

2/06/2006 08:54:00 AM  
Blogger Rajesh said...

Received many. They all go straight to the trash. But u made a good joke out of it.

2/06/2006 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger Selva said...

huh hmm.......

2/06/2006 09:25:00 PM  
Blogger anthony said...

earlier I used to ignore this 419 frauds, now i always reply with a nice swear word.

You know they have a base in india, and that there are thousands of greedy fools who gets suckered?

2/06/2006 09:30:00 PM  
Blogger airanand said...

touche!!

but the sad part is that some ppl are still suckered into this!!

2/06/2006 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger Aparna S Mallya said...

uh-oh, so these junk mails really promise all that?? lemme rummage my thrash, I may find a gold mine!

2/06/2006 11:32:00 PM  
Blogger Shankar Sridhar said...

oh.. ithu onakkum therinju pocha? :-)
enna velayaattu ithu?

2/07/2006 09:16:00 PM  
Blogger Venkat Ramanan said...

Good writing VK!! Your signature writing, to be precise :)
BTB, seems these kind of frauds fall into the category called "Nigerian Fraud". See http://www.potifos.com/fraud/ for more details.
What else is happening??

2/14/2006 05:33:00 AM  

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